Proverbs 31: Day 6: Jaded Beauty

"Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?"

Without a doubt, I have to honestly answer this question with a resounding "yes." I hate to admit that, but it is true. I wish that I could write a post on how I found out what real beauty was at a real age, and all the peer pressure of being thin and beautiful like the world defines beauty was lost on me, but that would sadly be a mis-truth.

I was not a rebellious girl growing up. I did not do a lot of "wrong" things in the eyes of the world....no partying, drinking, drugs, boys. But, one area of real sin and struggle throughout my entire life has been this very issue of beauty. I honestly don't know why it affected me so. I grew up in a very loving home where I was told how beautiful I was on a daily basis. But, the magazines, the friends, the TV shows all did their work and Satan came in, full-force to attack all of my many insecurities. It all funneled into one huge thought that constantly made its way through every aspect of my life:

"I am fat. I am ugly. I need to lose weight to be beautiful."

We have all known of girls who have had eating disorders. I was one of them. I was not an extremist who needed months of therapy and rehabilitation and thankfully it never really affected my health. I really grew out of the obsession, which I guess sometimes happens. But, it was until I had my first baby, that I really struggled with these thoughts! When I was in highschool, I obsessively counted my fat grams. I would wrestle over whether or not to eat a carrot stick or a gumball. I got down to 99 pounds. I took off all the cheese from my pizza.....smooshed my chicken nuggets until they were paper thin. People laughed at me. I cried inside. They thought I was making jokes. I was desperately trying to lose weight. In college I got hooked on diet pills in dreadful fear of the "freshman 15." Instead, I lost 15. Then people started noticing. My friends started confronting me and I dismissed them all.

Even when I met my husband, who told me over and over again (and still does), that he married the most beautiful woman in the world, I struggled.

Then, somehow, I gave it to God. I was in a Bible study with an amazing group of women and we began exploring the "5 Aspects of Women." If you haven;'t heard of this study, please look into it. It will change your life. There was never a "lightbulb moment" for me, or a time when I can look back and say "it has all changed," but somehow using that study and using real prayer in praying for my own daughter to be spared of a lifetime of self-criticism, that God changed my heart.

I am now 31 years old and I feel more beautiful than I ever have in my life. For 7 years I was not able to lose my baby weight and I think God used that extra 20 pounds to show me that I could be beautiful even as a size 12. When that pressure to be skinny was gone, I finally began dropping the pounds. I am now smaller than I have been in over 7 years.....and I have lost weight in a healthy way, without obsessing, and without having those horrible thoughts!

Did I outgrow it? Perhaps, but I know that God has been working in my life as well.

Culture insists that beauty is perfection.....perfect body, perfect clothes, perfect face, perfect things. No one is perfect yet our girls (and even women!) feel pressure to obtain that perfection. My biggest prayer for my Ellie is that she will know that she is beautiful because she is God's princess......not because she is physically this way or that. I don't know why I was the way that I was, or thought the way that I thought. But, God continues to grow me. I can only pray that God protects my baby daughter from this life-long struggle and that He grows her in a very real way!

God, please protect my beautiful beautiful little girl.