Proverbs 31: Day 10: Lessons

Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)

This is easy. God is teaching me about what it means to TRULY trust Him. I always thought I did trust Him.....until this happened.

I have harped on it enough, I think. You all know I have a preemie. YOu all know that his brain was bleeding at birth. You all know about his 2 brain surgeries. You all know that he almost died. You all know how amazing he is doing now, only a year later.

But what you likely do NOT know is that I think I have some form of "Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome" over the events that happened a year ago. It has been the hardest thing to ever happen in my life....and I have been through some doozies. I can not imagine that I lived through it, a sane human being.....or sometimes not quite so sane! I feel such a very real sense of loss, it is nearly like a death. I often feel angry that it had to happen to MY baby. I feel anxiety thinking about the day of his birth and the 2 horrible days of his surgeries.....when I kissed him goodbye, never knowing if it would be the last human kiss he would ever receive. I feel sad that his life will be filled with struggle and my life will be filled with worry.

During the time we were in the "midst of the fire," I questioned the goodness and sovereignty of God like I never have in my life. I wasn't ready at that time to dig deeply into the subject of trusting Him. But now I have and I can say that through all that.....the trauma, the questioning, the despair, the fear, the hurt, the anger, the depression......that God was there. God was and is sovereign. God desires good for me for His glory. God IS good and worthy of my trust. I trust Him with my eternal security......how much more can I trust Him with my day to day struggles (that still exist sometimes!).

I am reading through the book "Trusting God: Even with Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges with my mentor at church. It has been a wonderful choice as I now can look back with a fresh perspective on those hours, days, months and a year of pure pain. Do I have life all figured out? Certainly not.....but I DO know that I CAN trust God, who is worthy of my trust.